Blog Post – ABC Bookstore
Understanding Love and Attachment in Relationships
By Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling
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Posted on 23rd November 2025
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Introduction
When we think about love in relationships, most people tend to approach it with a rather naïve, childlike, and sometimes selfish mindset. In my experience as a couples therapist, I’ve often encountered the belief that love is all about “getting it” rather than “creating it”. But in reality, the most reliable way to receive love is by genuinely giving it first. It’s a principle as old as time: what goes around comes around.
The real challenge is that many individuals haven’t yet discovered the wellspring of love within themselves. All too often, what initially draws someone to a partner isn’t love at all, but need. There’s a yearning for connection, a longing for attachment to a “love object” – reminiscent of the bond formed with a mother in early childhood.
Attachment is a fundamental drive. In newborns, it’s an instinct geared towards survival. For new mothers, attachment is both innate and learned, shaped by their own upbringing and cultural influences. When we enter adult relationships, our attachment styles – be they secure or insecure – often mirror those we developed as children, particularly in relation to our mothers, and later, our fathers.
When love and attachment work hand in hand, they create a strong bond that holds couples together. However, if love fades but attachment lingers, that bond can trap partners in cycles of hurt and unhappiness. It’s crucial to learn the difference between loveless attachment – which can be toxic and should ideally be ended amicably – and loving attachment, which is truly life-affirming.
Loveless attachment often leads individuals to treat their partner as a possession, rather than a companion. It can also give rise to controlling behaviours and, in some cases, domestic violence. Recognising and addressing the difference between healthy, loving attachment and destructive, loveless attachment is essential to fostering happier, healthier relationships.
What do you think of these ideas?
Has this blog post sparked off any insights in you?
Please share your thoughts.
Best wishes, and take good care of yourself!
Jim
Dr Jim Byrne
Doctor of Counselling
And author and publisher of this book:
How to Build Your Own “Love Island”
An easy to follow blueprint, plus seventeen illuminating case studies from the Couples Therapy Room
Read the full book description online.***
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Read the Introduction here.***
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Is there one book that could solve all of your problems, for the whole of your life?
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Hack writers are beloved of the publishing industry. Principled writers are unpopular with vested interests. They are a nuisance to the forces of political expediency. They undermine the evil side of human nature.
Whatever wounds you have, hidden in your childhood history, I do hope you will try to dress them; process them; and heal them. And one way to do that is to practice principled writing about them, whether as private autobiographical writing, or published fictionalized autobiography.
Our mothers have the most dramatic effect upon our psychical and mental health, and upon our life chanced. So choose your mother carefully!
Best wishes,
Writers are people who write.
Vasha Popov screwed his little face up, like a well-squeezed dishcloth. He stared into the big, mottled mirror, looking for the echo of his facial contortions. And there it was. This was him. This blue face, with the sad calf eyes and the downturned mouth. And there in the apparent ugliness of his blue face was the evidence, it seemed, of why Mamu did not let him touch her, or speak to her, or get close to her.
Jim
ABC Bookstore Online UK 